Saturday, April 21, 2012

Last Chance Blueprint.

I have chosen to title this post after a song by Rise Against. It's about a man, who wants to run away right now, tonight. He wants to take his lover with him, but he knows that if he doesn't leave right now, tonight, that he never will. He eventually decides to leave, whether or not she will come with him.
If you want to listen to it, here's a youtube link to a version with lyrics:

I'm really specific about things, so I only look up youtube videos with lyrics.

This song is how I feel. I want to leave, I want to get out of here, now, tonight. I feel like if I don't leave right now, or at least soon, that I will be swallowed by this town for the rest of my life. It's no secret to anyone that I don't belong here. My classmates make no secret of it, and neither does the rest of my family. I need to get out of here, to a big city, or at least one that's large enough so that no one even notices the fact that I'm a perpetual oddity.
To borrow a quote from the song itself, "before you swallow me into your perfect life, I'm not going down without a fight."
Because of these conditions, I don't fall in love easy. I don't stop being in love easy. I still talk to and somewhat have feelings for the first boy I ever kissed. In fact, I dated him three times over a period of four years. The irony of it? My friends joke around all the time about how unromantic and unsentimental I am. But really, I'm actually not.
My dream present is a bench wrapped in fairy lights. I have an entire collection of things that I've kept from ex-boyfriends, as well as a whole jar of things from my life that mean the world to me. I still have the first rose I was ever given by a boy. I know what my wedding dress is going to look like. My ideal date is just sitting in a dark corner, sharing secrets and thoughts about life, the quiet things that no one ever knows. I am very sensitive, I am very breakable, I am sentimental.
I don't belong here. These people will never understand me. College can't come fast enough. Get me a job, get me a car, get me a dorm, and get me out of this worthless place.

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