Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Tentative bliss and melancholy smiles

Hello again. Just had my graduation party a few days ago, and it went splendidly. Only a few (7 or 8) of my friends showed up, but almost my entire family came. Aunts, uncles, cousins, they all streamed in through the doors like a rush of utter joy. It was so good to see them all. The only ones that were absent were my Uncle Denny and Aunt Judy, who were gone due to illness, and a handful of relatives couldn't find the money to come in from Montana. 
I keep thinking that I'm doing well and have qualified for job security, but apparently I haven't. I keep getting told that they're extending my trial period another week, and another week, and another week. I'd like to simply be HIRED already. I mean, I am thankful that I'm earning money and the like, but I'm sick of feeling weepy and terrified, like every tiny mistake is going to get me fired. They said again, that this week might be my last week working for them. I've improved my speed, gotten more aware of how much flour I have on myself (and brushed it off accordingly), and it turns out that the only real problem they have with me now is my fear. I'm too nervous, and they feel as though it spreads from me to the customers. It doesn't help my nerves that they only scheduled me for two days this week, as opposed to the usual five. It feels like a death sentence in itself. I don't want to work anywhere else. I love the shop. I love the way it smells, I love the feel of the dough, and I love my coworkers. But I'm sick of feeling like trying my hardest isn't getting me anywhere. I wish that they would shake my hand and be like, "Congratulations, we like you, we want you to work here on a permanent basis!" but that keeps feeling like more and more of some faraway dream that I have no hope of attaining. I'm just not good enough for them, so I have to change and become good enough. I have one more shift before I find out their verdict. I don't know if I can change in that little of time. 
My constant stress manifests itself in something that is becoming a very, very bad habit. I've been out shopping almost every day. I bought records the first day, vintage jewelry and sewing fabric the next, vintage sewing notions today, and these aren't counting the purchases I've made online. Two pairs of shorts, one dress, one shirt, one skirt, and a turntable (hey, you can't have records without a turntable, can you?). Luckily, I'm exceedingly cheap, so these purchases have been from sale racks and the like, but still, I know it's really not healthy. 
(photo courtesy of Tumblr)
Walking around, I keep feeling like I'm just floating through a dream. I seldom feel my feet touch the ground anymore. It's like I'm living someone else's life, spending someone else's money, with someone else's friends, and wearing someone else's clothes. I don't really own any of this anymore. I just keep daydreaming of Chicago, Norfolk, Seattle, San Francisco, New York, London, anywhere but here. I mean, in a city of thousands and thousands of people, my soul could be hiding there somewhere, right? 
Don't worry about me, seriously. I just need college to start. Without human to human contact, I fall into disrepair and become hazy and cryptic. I don't think I would still be me if I wasn't completely confused about who I am. All that good stuff, ya know. 

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