Friday, January 6, 2012


I wrote this for a newspaper article. It is not supposed to be offensive in any way, it's just supposed to poke fun at little things that we all are guilty of at least one of, and yes, that includes me. :) I hope you enjoy this. 

Necessary Components of a Hipster Look:

For girls:
1. The huge glasses: how else would you possibly be able to see all the mainstream conformists trying to oppress your individuality??
2. The quilted bag: buying a bag from a store is such a bourgeois concept, but buying a bag that looks like you made it yourself is just so cool. Plus, it's big enough to fit all that intellectual literature you never actually read. 
3. The short short cut offs: to show your rebellion against the government and their communist idea that everyone should wear pants!
4. The not -actually-functional scarf: it doesn't need to keep you warm to be a statement against modern society. 
5. The I Heart [insert city here] shirt: you've never actually been there, but people will think you have, and hey, it's the thought that counts. 
6. The boyfriend button-down shirt: don't actually have a boyfriend, so you went out and bought it yourself. Whoo!
7. The Converse low-tops: everyone else thought they were lame, so now that automatically makes them cool, even though you hated them too. 
8. The mustache: you can't actually grow one, so that obviously means you need to have the image of one on your body at all times. 
9. The oversized tee that hangs off your shoulders: because buying clothing that fits is just so small-minded. 
10. The crop-top: show them how you have more "awesome" in your belly button than they have in their conformist lives. 

For Guys: 
1. The moccasins: so everyone will be able to see your pride in the Native American heritage you don't actually have. 
2. The skinny jeans: to show off the girlish figure you worked so hard for. 
3. The Baja hoodie: how else would you show the world that you'd rather be herding your alpacas than being oppressed by their oppression? 
4.The beanie: to squeeze your brain hard enough so that the knowledge will stay inside. Washington wouldn't be as out of touch if all politicians wore these. 
5. The studded belt: to fend off attacks from mainstream zombies. 
6. The guyliner: guyliner, not eyeliner, because after all, it totally has a different purpose when worn by men. 
7.The rope jewelry: because when you were a young boy, your father always told you to treasure all of the twine he gave you, because someday he wouldn't be there to give you any more twine, and so you totally went out and bought that necklace and bracelet set in the store. 
8. The Lennon glasses: you still think he came from Def Leppard. 

For boys and girls:
1. The dark sunglasses worn indoors: after all, so many people will discriminate against you on the basis of eye color. 
2. The coffee cup: you don't actually drink coffee, and sometimes it doesn't even have anything in it, but you still pretend to drink out of it. 
3. The walkman: no one has to know you have your Ipod hidden inside it. 
4. The Chaplin-esque bowler hat: Oh yeah, you love Charlie Chaplin! And all 0 of his movies that you've actually seen. 
5. The Grandma/Grandpa reject sweater: if it's not trendy enough for a nursing home, then it's definitely good enough for you. 
6. The animal jewelry: because since the fish's alleged suicide, your parents won't let you have any real pets. 
7. The ski hat with the pom poms: to keep off conformity and snow in all seasons! Especially summer!

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